I’ve gotten my heart broke. I’ve broken several hearts. I’ve not slept because I was so hurt; however I’ve also probably kept someone else from sleeping too.
But for whatever reason I still have this sense of hope. Hope that one day I’ll meet my match or one of my soul mates. Like there’s no way I can be bitter because I’ve been hurt. Because my hearts been broken. Because I’ve been lied to before. Shit, it’s life. We are who we are because of those relationships, and if you love yourself enough- this is a good thing.
If you ever notice after every relationship you’re crying like “oh my God! No one will ever love me like them! I’ll never fine someone else!” And then one day you meet someone you loves you even better.
I guess with that being said, I know how I can feel with someone I love, someone who is not even meant for Imagine how ill feel when I’m with the person I’m meant for..
That’s where my hope comes from.
So I decided to fast for a couple weeks. At first I was going to remove 10 different things from my life for two weeks. However, I decided to stick with no social media and no alcohol.
I chose these two items because I legit stay on social media all day! I used to have at least a 3 month on and off Facebook for years, but lately I legitimately STAY on Facebook looking at videos. Not always educational videos but videos of straight fuckery.
Now, alcohol… to be honest, I wouldn’t admit this anywhere else but I stay at a bar! And I’m like typically “the sober friend who takes care of everyone” or the “not too drunk friend but still the drinking friend”. I still have times I get plastered, but they’re few and far between. But even when I’m at the bar, I get tipsy, I spend too much. Then I have to Uber home. It’s becoming a “thing”. To be honest, it may not even be about the alcohol. It could be the bar. Getting out the house. Trying to run away from the shit I have to do. I honestly haven’t figured out why I feel like have to leave my house so often and ALWAYS be doing something.
Moreover, every single time I say I’m not going to drink-I drink! So this time I decided to do a spiritual fast.
I wouldn’t say I’m religious but I believe in the power of God. There have been so many times I’ve been in the bed crying and can’t even breath, and I pray repeatedly for God to help me. Soon after, I fall asleep and in the morning I feel 110% better.
I also made it a spiritual fast because I don’t have as much faith as I used to have. I want to become closer to God in the way I was previously. For me that means not having anxiety/worrying, not being fearful because I know God has me. It also means praying more so I can be guided. I honestly believe if I trust in God I won’t worry or stress or be fearful of my future. I know that for a fact.
Aside from the spirituality side of my fast. I need to find better things to do with my time other than scroll on social media and go to the bars and drink with my friends. I want to have a clear mind and be able to think and make sound decisions without being interrupted with my social life. I want a clear head. I want to know what I want to do. I want to have peace.
So quick recap for myself here are my goals:
- Get closer to God
- Have more faith in God
1. less anxiety
2. less fear
3. more trust
- Find other productive things to do with my time
- Clear my mental of toxicity
Welcome to my fasting journey. Hopefully I have things figured out at the end.
Have you ever felt you were just in the middle of TimeSquare, and it’s like the movies where everyone is moving so fast but you’re just standing…while everyone else is moving?
But to add to this… the ground under you, yes onlyunder you, is cracking.
Then the next day the ground is fully apart. Now your falling.
The day after this you feel like you’re still falling…but you’re not hitting anything. You’re waiting to hit rock bottom. Because once you hit rock bottom you can’t go anywhere but up…
But you’re still falling….
Just waiting to hit the bottom.
It’s crazy. California feels like a dream. When I think about you. It feels like a dream too. Everything was beautiful and perfect. We had our fair share of baby mamas and extras. But…we… we loved each other. We love one another more than GREAT sex. Shit we were barely having sex, and we’d FaceTime all the time. Talked all the time.
I was so young man. So stupid. Had life to learn that I wasn’t even aware of. It all feels like a Dream. Us listening to Dom Kenney drinking and smoking driving around Downtown LA. If I close my eyes I think I can see us in Batman… laughing… loving…. everything we use to be. I know we aren’t that anymore. And while I write this you’re laying in bed with someone else, meanwhile while I’m out here just figuring out my life.
You deserve everything. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. And more so you deserve peace.
I thought for a while we’d end up together. I thought it, man. I thought you and I would end up being 110% loving each other.
I met an older couple today. She had to be like 60 and he was clearly like 75. And I thought of you. I thought of us. I thought of how our life would end up. Me making sure ALL our kids are cool, our grandkids too. lol knowing that my life was born just to take care of my Gentleman. I know you’ll end up happy with someone and maybe I will too. But you are my dream.
I am Me 2016 because of The Gentleman 2013. I’m a better person because of you. I’m honest because of you. I’m the purest me because of you.
This is me. This is my story. And my story starts because of You. And I know we aren’t gonna be together. But my story will ALWAYS end because of you. Goodnight .
1. It doesn’t matter how old some people are, they still don’t know how to communicate well.
1a. Don’t feel responsible to teach people to be respectful, people know how they want to be treated/spoken to so they should know how to treat/speak to people.
2. That “I was drunk/high” excuse doesn’t work with me any longer. If you can’t handle your substance intake, you need to CUT IT.
3. Never feel stupid for doing things for people who you care about.
3a. HOWEVER, don’t keep giving to people who don’t give to you when you’re in need.
3b. Real people show up. Don’t feel required to show up for people who fail to show up for you.
5. Everything is not on your time.
6. Please teach your kids to say please and thank you, cause if I give them something and they don’t say thank you, I’m taking my shit back.
7. Always say how you feel, but say it like you got some sense.
8. Be who you are, but not everyone has to like your ass.
9. It is never too late to change. Be a good freaking person.
10. Stop stressing! Take care of yourself! Meditate, go to a yoga class, work out, whatever you need to do to to keep yourself going and stress free. Too much stress can kill you.
Lastly, Life has proven to be shorter than what what I ever thought it was. So make sure you tell everyone you love, you love them. Make sure you kiss your mommy whenever you can.Make sure you’re living for yourself. The importance of happiness & peace is real. Do what makes you happy.
Basically, I started dating a guy, we decided to wait until marriage or at least engagement. And this has been the hardest but yet most beautiful two months of my life.
- Our communication is perfect, but to be frank, I am not quite sure if this is because of who he is as a person or because we aren’t having sex.
- Everything is beautiful. His hugs feels like clouds. He kisses me I see rainbows. The sky is bluer when he’s next to me. No exaggeration.
- We are more affectionate without the intention of sex.
- I don’t have to wonder if he’s just saying shit to get in my panties.
- I trust him more because I know his intentions are honest.
- I’ve never had to wonder how he really feels about me.
Sometimes I think that sex blurs the lines because the sex is so good but the relationship is so bad, it’s hard to let go. However, my sexual exploration has been a little different than most, which is another story. But I also learn these things about my sexual myself:
- I never knew how important physical attention was to me.
- Not only sex, but just touching. A hug. A kiss. That little rub on your cheek when a guy is staring at you. Cuddling. Grabbing a little booty. All that is so important. And I mean, I may or may not crave his touch.
- It’s really not about the sex though, I could go without it. But maybe when you are attracted to someone and care about someone so much you just want them on you, in you, next to you *insert any other propositional phrase that is fitting here* I forgot about that. I forgot how it feels to care about someone like this.
- There’s all this passion in me I’m unable to give to him in a sexual manner. So I learn how to be passionate and affectionate in other ways and so does he.
- I’m the horniest I’ve ever been in my life…. At least every 4 days I’m fiening. Which blows my mind because I don’t even enjoy sex enough to fien.
- I’m always wondering if I would be this horny if I was not spending time with someone I am basically in a relationship with. We spend damn near every day together.
- I think about sex every 136 seconds.
- Every times someone speaks I relate it to sex.
- I never knew I wanted to even have sex considering I rarely enjoy it.
- A girl can masturbate 4-10 times a day and still keep all the energy.
- My self-control is super amazing.
- My imagination is even more amazing.
I had no idea it would be this hard. I think it’s only hard because how much I care about him. Cause any other man, I’m super quick to throw shade and let them know I don’t want them.
But I always want to take care of him & make him feel good. That comes natural. But the fact that it’s so pure and so natural makes is so beautiful.
I just write a lot of letters to you. But never send them or anything. Just send them to myself and maybe post them on my anonymous blog cause I’ve been trying to write more. I just wonder if you think about me at least once during the day. Even though I clearly know one day we will not think about each together at all. Which is crazy to think about right? Like one day we won’t cross each other’s minds? That’s so weird. But none the less, I know you’ll be happy. I will be too. But even though you say you are over me and don’t love me like that anymore, I’m still in love with you. And every day the pain goes away a little bit at a time, but I know I’ll be okay. And I’m okay with being okay without you. I’ll just probably always worry and wonder about you. Just like I’m sure you at least wonder about me when you’re not busy. At least for a split second (or at least that’s what I hope). Anywho. I know you’re happy, and that’s what I love to hear and see. I’m still praying for you and your family. I’ll probably always hope we end up like a movie and 10 years from now you’ll find me again in your heart and know how I felt. But what’s the chances of that happening? Probably slim to none and o get it. I need and want you to be happy. You’ve Always been the one for me, and even now I still believe that. And it’s not a mental thing trust me, we’ve been through too much BS for me to even feel like that. And vice Versa. It’s like a feeling in my body that you’re the one. But I’m young. I’m stupid. We all fall short. I failed . I fall. And that’s just who I am right now. I hated myself for like two years for who I am, what I did. How I lied. But it’s 2016. I gotta forgive myself and move forward, and do thing that will make me love myself.
Anyway. I’m rambling. Sorry. I’ll probably post this whole email on my blog. It’s my rawest, most trill self, and you know how trill I am. Goodnight. I’m happy your happy, 😘.