Hit the Floor

Have you ever felt you were just in the middle of TimeSquare, and it’s like the movies where everyone is moving so fast but you’re just standing…while everyone else is moving?
But to add to this… the ground under you, yes only under you, is cracking. 
Then the next day the ground is fully apart. Now your falling.
The day after this you feel like you’re still falling…but you’re not hitting anything. You’re waiting to hit rock bottom. Because once you hit rock bottom you can’t go anywhere but up…
But you’re still falling….
And falling…
Just waiting to hit the bottom. 

The Gentleman: Final Finale

It’s crazy. California feels like a dream. When I think about you. It feels like a dream too. Everything was beautiful and perfect. We had our fair share of baby mamas and extras. But…we… we loved each other. We love one another more than GREAT sex. Shit we were barely having sex, and we’d FaceTime all the time. Talked all the time. 

I was so young man. So stupid. Had life to learn that I wasn’t even aware of. It all feels like a Dream. Us listening to Dom Kenney drinking and smoking driving around Downtown LA. If I close my eyes I think I can see us in Batman… laughing… loving…. everything we use to be. I know we aren’t that anymore. And while I write this you’re laying in bed with someone else, meanwhile while I’m out here just figuring out my life. 

You deserve everything. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. And more so you deserve peace. 

I thought for a while we’d end up together. I thought it, man. I thought you and I would end up being 110% loving each other. 

I met an older couple today. She had to be like 60 and he was clearly like 75. And I thought of you. I thought of us. I thought of how our life would end up. Me making sure ALL our kids are cool, our grandkids too. lol knowing that my life was born just to take care of my Gentleman. I know you’ll end up happy with someone and maybe I will too. But you are my dream. 

I am  Me 2016 because of The Gentleman 2013. I’m a better person because of you. I’m honest because of you. I’m the purest me because of you.

This is me. This is my story. And my story starts because of You. And I know we aren’t gonna be together. But my story will ALWAYS end because of you. Goodnight .

Shit I learned since turning 26

 1. It doesn’t matter how old some people are, they still don’t know how to communicate well.

1a. Don’t feel responsible to teach people to be respectful, people know how they want to be treated/spoken to so they should know how to treat/speak to people. 

2. That “I was drunk/high” excuse doesn’t work with me any longer. If you can’t handle your substance intake, you need to CUT IT.

3. Never feel stupid for doing things for people who you care about.

3a. HOWEVER, don’t keep giving to people who don’t give to you when you’re in need. 

3b. Real people show up. Don’t feel required to show up for people who fail to show up for you. 

5. Everything is not on your time. 

6. Please teach your kids to say please and thank you, cause if I give them something and they don’t say thank you, I’m taking my shit back.

7. Always say how you feel, but say it like you got some sense. 

8. Be who you are, but not everyone has to like your ass. 

9. It is never too late to change. Be a good freaking person. 

10. Stop stressing! Take care of yourself! Meditate, go to a yoga class, work out, whatever you need to do to to keep yourself going and stress free. Too much stress can kill you. 
Lastly, Life has proven to be shorter than what what I ever thought it was. So make sure you tell everyone you love, you love them. Make sure you kiss your mommy whenever you can.Make sure you’re living for yourself. The importance of happiness & peace is real. Do what makes you happy.

Sexless Suzy & Her Lessons

Basically, I started dating a guy, we decided to wait until marriage or at least engagement. And this has been the hardest but yet most beautiful two months of my life.

1. Our communication is perfect, but to be frank, I am not quite sure if this is because of who he is as a person or because we aren’t having sex. 
2. Everything is beautiful. His hugs feels like clouds. He kisses me I see rainbows. The sky is bluer when he’s next to me. No exaggeration. 
3. We are more affectionate without the intention of sex.
4. I don’t have to wonder if he’s just saying shit to get in my panties. 
5. I trust him more because I know his intentions are honest.
6. I’ve never had to wonder how he really feels about me.

Sometimes I think that sex blurs the lines because the sex is so good but the relationship is so bad, it’s hard to let go. However, my sexual exploration has been a little different than most, which is another story. But I also learn these things about my sexual myself:

1. I never knew how important physical attention was to me.
2. Not only sex, but just touching. A hug. A kiss. That little rub on your cheek when a guy is staring at you. Cuddling. Grabbing a little booty. All that is so important. And I mean, I may or may not crave his touch.
3. It’s really not about the sex though, I could go without it. But maybe when you are attracted to someone and care about someone so much you just want them on you, in you, next to you *insert any other propositional phrase that is fitting here* I forgot about that. I forgot how it feels to care about someone like this. 
4. There’s all this passion in me I’m unable to give to him in a sexual manner. So I learn how to be passionate and affectionate in other ways and so does he.
5. I’m the horniest I’ve ever been in my life…. At least every 4 days I’m fiening. Which blows my mind because I don’t even enjoy sex enough to fien. 
6. I’m always wondering if I would be this horny if I was not spending time with someone I am basically in a relationship with. We spend damn near every day together. 
7. I think about sex every 136 seconds.
8. Every times someone speaks I relate it to sex.
9. I never knew I wanted to even have sex considering I rarely enjoy it.
10. A girl can masturbate 4-10 times a day and still keep all the energy.
11. My self-control is super amazing.
12. My imagination is even more amazing.

I had no idea it would be this hard. I think it’s only hard because how much I care about him. Cause any other man, I’m super quick to throw shade and let them know I don’t want them. 

But I always want to take care of him & make him feel good. That comes natural. But the fact that it’s so pure and so natural makes is so beautiful. 

Dear The Gentleman-

I just write a lot of letters to you. But never send them or anything. Just send them to myself and maybe post them on my anonymous blog cause I’ve been trying to write more. I just wonder if you think about me at least once during the day. Even though I clearly know one day we will not think about each together at all. Which is crazy to think about right? Like one day we won’t cross each other’s minds? That’s so weird. But none the less, I know you’ll be happy. I will be too. But even though you say you are over me and don’t love me like that anymore, I’m still in love with you. And every day the pain goes away a little bit at a time, but I know I’ll be okay. And I’m okay with being okay without you. I’ll just probably always worry and wonder about you. Just like I’m sure you at least wonder about me when you’re not busy. At least for a split second (or at least that’s what I hope). Anywho. I know you’re happy, and that’s what I love to hear and see. I’m still praying for you and your family. I’ll probably always hope we end up like a movie and 10 years from now you’ll find me again in your heart and know how I felt. But what’s the chances of that happening? Probably slim to none and o get it. I need and want you to be happy. You’ve Always been the one for me, and even now I still believe that. And it’s not a mental thing trust me, we’ve been through too much BS for me to even feel like that. And vice Versa. It’s like a feeling in my body that you’re the one. But I’m young. I’m stupid. We all fall short. I failed . I fall. And that’s just who I am right now. I hated myself for like two years for who I am, what I did. How I lied. But it’s 2016. I gotta forgive myself and move forward, and do thing that will make me love myself. 
Anyway. I’m rambling. Sorry. I’ll probably post this whole email on my blog. It’s my rawest, most trill self, and you know how trill I am. Goodnight. I’m happy your happy, 😘. 

Love you. 

2015: Mistakes. Growth.

The importance of being honest is so trill. Trill meaning…that shit is important. It’s not only important to be honest with the people surrounding you but this also means being honest with yourself. Be honest about who you are, who you want to be, and what you want. At the end of the day, those three things should come easy. If you don’t know who you are, who you want to be, and what you want- you need to focus on your relationship with yourself and/or the higher power you believe in. I think much of the time people don’t know what they want, who they are, nor who they want to be so it makes it really difficult in turn to be honest with yourself and make decisions. 
Self love comes first. Loving yourself comes first. Knowing your goals comes first. If you don’t have your stuff together, how are you going to be right for anyone else? How will you be right for your children? Your spouse? Your family?
Just because you make a mistake, doesn’t make you a mistake. Learn. Grow. Even if you regret it, allow that mistake to help you evolve into someone better. A better person. You are not your mistakes, however if you don’t learn from it you will be. This is the truth: forgive yourself. It’s okay to make mistakes. But if you continue to go on beating yourself up for 10 years, how are you moving on and learning from your mistakes? You’re not.

Someone told me, “young fools make old fools”. Learn. Live. Grow. Know yourself better than you know anyone in this world. That’s how you make smart decisions. That’s how you end up with no regret. That’s how you end up happy. 

Made It

35 lbs later, 3 new eczema scars, 250 stress pimples, 19 classes, a move to LA, 1 transfer back to The Midwest, full time jobs, break up to make up… Yo, I did this. I have no idea how. 
If you would’ve told me when I was 13 I would be 25, I would’ve told you nah. But to be 25, alive, healthy, and obtaining my masters is so surreal. If you know my story, you’ve known my struggle with depression starting from when I was 12 pretty much through 20. I am a testimony. No meds. Maybe a few counseling sessions though, lol. But overall my support system and my faith have lead me here. I could be dead, I could’ve died. I have beat myself up, I’ve beaten others up. I’ve put my mom, grandparents, & aunt through hell and back. But I made it. I’m not embarrassed of my scars. I’m not embarrassed of my past. I’m me. I love my growth, I admire my own strength I never knew I had until this moment. I’m telling you all this because I know people struggling, I personally know a few people who have died, and I never want anyone to feel alone in their struggles. You’re not alone. Also, I’m telling you, whoever you want to be in this world. You can be. Whatever you want to do. You can do it. I’ll share my story for the rest of my life if that means I can save someone else’s, like God, my family, and friends saved mine. This is our degree.