I guess me and Bestie were never really “just” friends. When we first met in Algebra II, we would not stop talking and laughing. Consequently, we both failed the class. Bestie picked me up every day before school, took me home after school, and we went to games together. He was one of those dorks who played in the marching band — but I loved the fact he was one of the dorks in the marching bag. I always had a boyfriend, because my relationships always lasted waaayyy longer than they were ever supposed to. He always had some girl on his arms when I was finally single. My God. I was the most jealous girls in the world, purposely sabotaging their relationship or flirting with him because I knew he’d never forget me.
I used to save our texted and his sweet nothings on my LG flip phone, and every single time I felt weary, sad, or depressed I would pull them out. Even thinking back to all the things we have ever said to each other makes me blush a little bit. Moving along, of course we made the infamous pack if we aren’t married by the time we are “x” age we will get married. The timing was just never right with us, I kept falling in love. He kept falling out of love. We both fell in love again; out again, it was a cycle. We always kept in contact, of course in college we both had significant others, but that never stopped us from being us. We still spoke often, and there was always that the little bit of hope. That idea. The idea that no matter what we would end up together and those butterflies we felt when we spoke would be all the time and not just during a 30 min phone call a week. Then something amazing happened for the first time in 6 years. We were both single. He was in college in our home state, as I was in college two states away. We started skyping, and on weekends we were working we would drive to see one another. It was probably one of the most magical times of my life. I could not get enough. It didn’t take too long for things to get intense. We had already known since we were 14/15 years old we wanted to get married to one another and really, that had never change. Although, we knew all of this, it was beginning to be too much. He went to DC for the summer for an internship, I stayed at school. We still skyped and talked everyday, but he decided that he would rather just not “actually” be together right now, that he wanted to remain single. This confused me a little but, but I got over it because I knew that was I was still tying lose ends with an ex. Time went on, things remained intense, my love continued to grow, and honestly, I was never happier.
But one day the subject of religion changed everything. He said he didn’t believe in God, he was agnostic. It was so crazy to me, because I had always felt God was the phone that made us meet in that Algebra II class, it had to be all part of His plan. It had me so confused. Now, mind you, at this time I am in my early 20s still learning about myself: who I want to be, how I want to feel, my beliefs, at this point I hadn’t even seen my first porno or masturbated yet! So religion was just something I did not have time to try to figure out, because I knew what I believed in. But I felt this forced me to learned about religion and spirituality in a way that I was not even ready to explore and make me question things, I was not ready to question the one thing I know for sure which was there was a God. It was too much. I know, that just because he didn’t believe had nothing to do with my beliefs, but I still felt like I was questioning everything! I was questioning me and Bestie’s relationship, him as a person, and my spirituality. Quite frankly, I didn’t have enough time nor could I risk going to hell for him (Side note: Now, clearly, I am smarter now so I don’t have that same process, but give me a break I was like 19/20). We still continued to be in our long distance, but not a relationship. Things remained heavy, and I pretty much repressed the fact he was agnostic. As time went on, it went back to the normal healthy magically intensified “friendship”. We would talk about our children, talk about marriage and decide on a year. For some reason I started to shake in my boots. I mean I have never been so scared in my life. But see I have never been good at making decisions, so this is nothing new, and thus had made me scared of such a huge commitment. I knew that once I was with him, I would be with him for the rest of my life, no questions ask. Did I think I still had men to see or sleep with? No, that did not stop being so scared to commit basically my life to Bestie. I was not ready I still tried to tackle through though because the way I felt about him was something I didn’t think I would ever feel again. Nor did I ever think someone would love me for who I was. Someone who loved me even through all of my mistakes, all the things I put them through, my melodramatic personality, and things I have done in the past that displayed so much mental instability. But Bestie loved me. He loved me through all of that, and he never judged me for it, any of it, and I have always loved him for that. So I ended it the next time we saw each other around Thanksgiving, and he was actually telling me he wanted us to be official. It was over. After years of anticipation, it was done. I figured I must have hurt him because he barely spoke to me after that, he missed my 21st birthday, I hated him after that because I had always supported his birthdays, and pretty much his whole life sense we met no matter what the circumstances were. At this point, even if there was a chance, it was over. Then I started talking to him again, he missed my graduation. It was over. I could not believed he missed my graduation, while I showed up to his graduation, on my last dollar, then went to his families house celebrated, and went out to eat for his birthday the next day. I just always figured we would be there, you know? We would be friends and support one another no matter what, but I guess relationships changed. Of course, being who I am I forgave him after a while but still did not go out of my way to hang out with Bestie, I mean for what? He was not going out of his way for me. We hung out a few times after that, but it wasn’t the same. I think though, with a little bit of hope, things will get better and get how they used to be. We still send each other videos or screenshots of songs that come on which are “our songs”. If I ever need something I know he would be there. But I often wonder what it would have been like if we would have waited until now to date, who we are now is so much better than who we were before. One of the craziest things to me in how relationships change without notice, sometimes without cause, sometimes people change, sometime people simply evolve and sometimes others don’t or sometimes because the timing is just wrong.