Dear Fear Friend,
So yeah, everything happened. Everything happened. Things are pretty messed up. I have no idea who fell for who, or how this happened. One minute we were best friends hanging out with our crew, the next we are dancing looking into one another’s eyes. Butterflies. Heart eyes. Drinks. That’s the night I remember. That is the night things change.
I mean, I was single. But I was still in love with someone else. Then you and I danced. It was the first time I felt anything for anyone else since I had met The Gentleman. And even after he left me, I had not felt anything for anyone. I still felt it. For you.I have no idea who made the first move, who made the second, or even third. Why wait until then? When I am emotionally unavailable? Makes no sense.
We had known one another for years. I was a tall, skinny, ugly girl. You were a chubby, dorky, clown. High School. When we met. Who would’ve known we’d turn out looking like this? My GAWD! I am laughing right now, but I know you know what I mean.
I remember when you first started to date this chick, when I felt some type of way. I had no idea why I was in my feelings! I was like yeah, maybe I am attracted to you. But shit, you acted your age *side eyes* and was like I am cool, I cannot fuck with this clown. Like you ain’t love me. Dude. You loved me.
You know me. You know my heart. You know my mind. But damn, you my best friend. How did we fuck this up? Do you know how hard it is to meet people who understand your life and soul? Shoot, understand your sense of humor and not think you are being an ass? It is hard to find those type of people. Those type of friends. Those type of people who know your story, and no matter how fucked up your story is.. they still accept you. Every bit of your flaws.
I am with The Gentleman now; how are you and I gonna make this shit work? We can’t. He knows about our flirtatiousness. He cannot stand the thought of us being friends. I can’t blame him. I think about you though. I think about you every day. I miss you. Every day. I don’t know if I miss my friend or if I miss how we were that winter.
But regardless, I am with The Gentleman. And I knew that was my husband from the moment we met…
So what is this feeling in my chest I get when I think about us not speaking for the rest of our lives?
& I remember when you said this to me. Can’t get it out of my mind.