Shit I learned since turning 26

 1. It doesn’t matter how old some people are, they still don’t know how to communicate well.

1a. Don’t feel responsible to teach people to be respectful, people know how they want to be treated/spoken to so they should know how to treat/speak to people. 

2. That “I was drunk/high” excuse doesn’t work with me any longer. If you can’t handle your substance intake, you need to CUT IT.

3. Never feel stupid for doing things for people who you care about.

3a. HOWEVER, don’t keep giving to people who don’t give to you when you’re in need. 

3b. Real people show up. Don’t feel required to show up for people who fail to show up for you. 

5. Everything is not on your time. 

6. Please teach your kids to say please and thank you, cause if I give them something and they don’t say thank you, I’m taking my shit back.

7. Always say how you feel, but say it like you got some sense. 

8. Be who you are, but not everyone has to like your ass. 

9. It is never too late to change. Be a good freaking person. 

10. Stop stressing! Take care of yourself! Meditate, go to a yoga class, work out, whatever you need to do to to keep yourself going and stress free. Too much stress can kill you. 
Lastly, Life has proven to be shorter than what what I ever thought it was. So make sure you tell everyone you love, you love them. Make sure you kiss your mommy whenever you can.Make sure you’re living for yourself. The importance of happiness & peace is real. Do what makes you happy.

Sexless Suzy & Her Lessons

Basically, I started dating a guy, we decided to wait until marriage or at least engagement. And this has been the hardest but yet most beautiful two months of my life.

  1. Our communication is perfect, but to be frank, I am not quite sure if this is because of who he is as a person or because we aren’t having sex. 
  2. Everything is beautiful. His hugs feels like clouds. He kisses me I see rainbows. The sky is bluer when he’s next to me. No exaggeration. 
  3. We are more affectionate without the intention of sex.
  4. I don’t have to wonder if he’s just saying shit to get in my panties. 
  5. I trust him more because I know his intentions are honest.
  6. I’ve never had to wonder how he really feels about me.

Sometimes I think that sex blurs the lines because the sex is so good but the relationship is so bad, it’s hard to let go. However, my sexual exploration has been a little different than most, which is another story. But I also learn these things about my sexual myself:

  1. I never knew how important physical attention was to me.
  2. Not only sex, but just touching. A hug. A kiss. That little rub on your cheek when a guy is staring at you. Cuddling. Grabbing a little booty. All that is so important. And I mean, I may or may not crave his touch.
  3. It’s really not about the sex though, I could go without it. But maybe when you are attracted to someone and care about someone so much you just want them on you, in you, next to you *insert any other propositional phrase that is fitting here* I forgot about that. I forgot how it feels to care about someone like this. 
  4. There’s all this passion in me I’m unable to give to him in a sexual manner. So I learn how to be passionate and affectionate in other ways and so does he.
  5. I’m the horniest I’ve ever been in my life…. At least every 4 days I’m fiening. Which blows my mind because I don’t even enjoy sex enough to fien. 
  6. I’m always wondering if I would be this horny if I was not spending time with someone I am basically in a relationship with. We spend damn near every day together. 
  7. I think about sex every 136 seconds.
  8. Every times someone speaks I relate it to sex.
  9. I never knew I wanted to even have sex considering I rarely enjoy it.
  10. A girl can masturbate 4-10 times a day and still keep all the energy.
  11. My self-control is super amazing.
  12. My imagination is even more amazing.

I had no idea it would be this hard. I think it’s only hard because how much I care about him. Cause any other man, I’m super quick to throw shade and let them know I don’t want them. 

But I always want to take care of him & make him feel good. That comes natural. But the fact that it’s so pure and so natural makes is so beautiful. 

    Dear The Gentleman-

    I just write a lot of letters to you. But never send them or anything. Just send them to myself and maybe post them on my anonymous blog cause I’ve been trying to write more. I just wonder if you think about me at least once during the day. Even though I clearly know one day we will not think about each together at all. Which is crazy to think about right? Like one day we won’t cross each other’s minds? That’s so weird. But none the less, I know you’ll be happy. I will be too. But even though you say you are over me and don’t love me like that anymore, I’m still in love with you. And every day the pain goes away a little bit at a time, but I know I’ll be okay. And I’m okay with being okay without you. I’ll just probably always worry and wonder about you. Just like I’m sure you at least wonder about me when you’re not busy. At least for a split second (or at least that’s what I hope). Anywho. I know you’re happy, and that’s what I love to hear and see. I’m still praying for you and your family. I’ll probably always hope we end up like a movie and 10 years from now you’ll find me again in your heart and know how I felt. But what’s the chances of that happening? Probably slim to none and o get it. I need and want you to be happy. You’ve Always been the one for me, and even now I still believe that. And it’s not a mental thing trust me, we’ve been through too much BS for me to even feel like that. And vice Versa. It’s like a feeling in my body that you’re the one. But I’m young. I’m stupid. We all fall short. I failed . I fall. And that’s just who I am right now. I hated myself for like two years for who I am, what I did. How I lied. But it’s 2016. I gotta forgive myself and move forward, and do thing that will make me love myself. 
    Anyway. I’m rambling. Sorry. I’ll probably post this whole email on my blog. It’s my rawest, most trill self, and you know how trill I am. Goodnight. I’m happy your happy, 😘. 

    Love you. 

    2015: Mistakes. Growth. 

    The importance of being honest is so trill. Trill meaning…that shit is important. It’s not only important to be honest with the people surrounding you but this also means being honest with yourself. Be honest about who you are, who you want to be, and what you want. At the end of the day, those three things should come easy. If you don’t know who you are, who you want to be, and what you want- you need to focus on your relationship with yourself and/or the higher power you believe in. I think much of the time people don’t know what they want, who they are, nor who they want to be so it makes it really difficult in turn to be honest with yourself and make decisions. 
    Self love comes first. Loving yourself comes first. Knowing your goals comes first. If you don’t have your stuff together, how are you going to be right for anyone else? How will you be right for your children? Your spouse? Your family?
    Just because you make a mistake, doesn’t make you a mistake. Learn. Grow. Even if you regret it, allow that mistake to help you evolve into someone better. A better person. You are not your mistakes, however if you don’t learn from it you will be. This is the truth: forgive yourself. It’s okay to make mistakes. But if you continue to go on beating yourself up for 10 years, how are you moving on and learning from your mistakes? You’re not.

    Someone told me, “young fools make old fools”. Learn. Live. Grow. Know yourself better than you know anyone in this world. That’s how you make smart decisions. That’s how you end up with no regret. That’s how you end up happy. 

    Made It

    35 lbs later, 3 new eczema scars, 250 stress pimples, 19 classes, a move to LA, 1 transfer back to The Midwest, full time jobs, break up to make up… Yo, I did this. I have no idea how. 
    If you would’ve told me when I was 13 I would be 25, I would’ve told you nah. But to be 25, alive, healthy, and obtaining my masters is so surreal. If you know my story, you’ve known my struggle with depression starting from when I was 12 pretty much through 20. I am a testimony. No meds. Maybe a few counseling sessions though, lol. But overall my support system and my faith have lead me here. I could be dead, I could’ve died. I have beat myself up, I’ve beaten others up. I’ve put my mom, grandparents, & aunt through hell and back. But I made it. I’m not embarrassed of my scars. I’m not embarrassed of my past. I’m me. I love my growth, I admire my own strength I never knew I had until this moment. I’m telling you all this because I know people struggling, I personally know a few people who have died, and I never want anyone to feel alone in their struggles. You’re not alone. Also, I’m telling you, whoever you want to be in this world. You can be. Whatever you want to do. You can do it. I’ll share my story for the rest of my life if that means I can save someone else’s, like God, my family, and friends saved mine. This is our degree.

    It’s not them, it’s you.

    Have you ever thought… Maybe it’s not them, to actually you. It always takes someone to be completely honest, sometimes brutally blunt for you to realize, “yo, you got a problem”. Welp, tonight was that for me.
    My ex used to always tell me like everything in the world was wrong with me… From how hard I say my K’s (like kicK) to me being no submissive enough. At first, I’ve always felt like he was knit picking, but then someone else told me about how I say disrespectful shit. I really never mean to cause I wouldn’t take it the way they’re taking it if it was said to me, but that still doesn’t mean it’s okay to say everything.
    Just another lesson learned.


    I guess me and Bestie were never really “just” friends. When we first met in Algebra II, we would not stop talking and laughing. Consequently, we both failed the class. Bestie picked me up every day before school, took me home after school, and we went to games together. He was one of those dorks who played in the marching band — but I loved the fact he was one of the dorks in the marching band. I always had a boyfriend, because my relationships always lasted waaayyy longer than they were ever supposed to. He always had some girl on his arms when I was finally single. My God. I was the most jealous girl in the world, purposely sabotaging their relationship or flirting with him because I knew he’d never forget me.  
    I used to save our texts and his sweet nothings on my LG flip phone, and every single time I felt weary, sad, or depressed I would pull them out. Even thinking back to all the things we have ever said to each other makes me blush a little bit. Moving along, of course we made the infamous pack if we aren’t married by the time we are “x” age we will get married. The timing was just never right with us, I kept falling in love. He kept falling out of love. We both fell in love again, out again, it was a cycle. We always kept in contact, of course in college we both had significant others, but that never stopped us from being us. We still spoke often, and there was always that the little bit of hope. That idea. The idea that no matter what we would end up together. And those butterflies we felt when we spoke on the phone, would last..the butterflies were not just during a 30 min phone call a week. Then something amazing happened for the first time in 6 years. We were both single. He was in college in our home state, as I was in college two states away. We started skyping, and on weekends we weren’t working we would drive to see one another. It was probably one of the most magical times of my life. I could not get enough. It didn’t take too long for things to get intense. We had already known since we were 14/15 years old we wanted to get married to one another and really, that had never change. Although, we knew all of this, it was beginning to be too much. He went to DC for the summer for an internship, I stayed at school. We still skyped and talked everyday, but he decided that he would rather just not “actually” be together “right now”; he wanted to remain single. This confused me a little but, but I got over it because I knew that was I was still tying lose ends with an ex. Time went on, things remained intense, my love continued to grow, and honestly, I was never happier.

    But one day the subject of religion changed everything. He said he didn’t believe in God, he was agnostic. It was so crazy to me, because I had always felt God was the phone that made us meet in that Algebra II class, it had to be all part of His plan. It had me so confused. Now, mind you, at this time I am in my early 20s still learning about myself: who I want to be, how I want to feel, my beliefs, at this point I hadn’t even seen my first porno or masturbated yet! So religion was just something I did not have time to try to figure out, because I knew what I believed in. But I felt this forced me to learned about religion and spirituality in a way that I was not even ready to explore and make me question things, I was not ready to question the one thing I know for sure which was there was a God. It was too much. I know, that just because he didn’t believe had nothing to do with my beliefs, but I still felt like I was questioning everything! I was questioning me and Bestie’s relationship, him as a person, and my spirituality. Quite frankly, I didn’t have enough time nor could I risk going to hell for him (Side note: Now, clearly, I am smarter now so I don’t have that same process, but give me a break I was like 19/20). We still continued to be in our long distance, but not a relationship. Things remained heavy, and I pretty much repressed the fact he was agnostic. As time went on, it went back to the normal healthy magically intensified “friendship”. We would talk about our children, talk about marriage and decide on a year. For some reason I started to shake in my boots. I mean I have never been so scared in my life. But see I have never been good at making decisions, so this is nothing new, and thus had made me scared of such a huge commitment. I knew that once I was with him, I would be with him for the rest of my life, no questions ask. Did I think I still had men to see or sleep with? No, that did not stop being so scared to commit basically my life to Bestie. I was not ready I still tried to tackle through though because the way I felt about him was something I didn’t think I would ever feel again. Nor did I ever think someone would love me for who I was. Someone who loved me even through all of my mistakes, all the things I put them through, my melodramatic personality, and things I have done in the past that displayed so much mental instability. But Bestie loved me. He loved me through all of that, and he never judged me for it, any of it, and I have always loved him for that. So I ended it the next time we saw each other around Thanksgiving, and he was actually telling me he wanted us to be official. It was over. After years of anticipation, it was done. I figured I must have hurt him because he barely spoke to me after that, he missed my 21st birthday, I hated him after that because I had always supported his birthdays, and pretty much his whole life sense we met no matter what the circumstances were. At this point, even if there was a chance, it was over. Then I started talking to him again, he missed my graduation. It was over. I could not believed he missed my graduation, while I showed up to his graduation, on my last dollar, then went to his families house celebrated, and went out to eat for his birthday the next day. I just always figured we would be there, you know? We would be friends and support one another no matter what, but I guess relationships changed. Of course, being who I am I forgave him after a while but still did not go out of my way to hang out with Bestie, I mean for what? He was not going out of his way for me. We hung out a few times after that, but it wasn’t the same. I think though, with a little bit of hope, things will get better and get how they used to be. We still send each other videos or screenshots of songs that come on which are “our songs”. If I ever need something I know he would be there. But I often wonder what it would have been like if we would have waited until now to date, who we are now is so much better than who we were before. One of the craziest things to me in how relationships change without notice, sometimes without cause, sometimes people change, sometime people simply evolve and sometimes others don’t or sometimes because the timing is just wrong.